It’s not fair for us to pay federal highway taxes for Boston’s “big dig” when no one outside Louisville, Kentucky, will help pay for our new bridges. But must we have trolls, too? What do trolls know about traffic congestion or funding? They usually live underground or out in the woods.
Some cite electronic trolls as quicker and less intrusive, but look at the trolls who are already on the net. They post intrusive off-topic messages just to disrupt discussion. Imagine the delays they’d cause outside of cyberspace. No doubt that’s why wiser Louisvillians stamped out trolls on the Clark Bridge generations ago.
No matter what politicians say, putting trolls on bridges will solve nothing. Yes, the sight of fiendish hairy giants with tusks and cyclopic eyes might deter some, but not people determined to reach the Bass Pro Shop. Visualize the collateral damage when some of them start shooting at the trolls.
The troll issue is much more complex than we’ve been led to believe. Not all trolls look alike, for example. Some are human-like, except for the tail hidden in their clothing. We must deport all trolls already here illegally and not bring in any more. I say demand proof of citizenship from anyone with troll-like features.
Even if we reduce the number of bridge lanes, trolls could still cause great harm. They’re vindictive, they're heathens, and they love stealing food. Trolls enter homes invisibly during feasts like the Derby Festival, eat from our plates, and spoil our beer! Now that’s where I draw the line. No trolls on bridges.